All She Wrote: Real housewives of Pennsylvania Avenue


Dolley Madison: OMG, I didn’t save the treasures of the White House during the war of 1812 for Melania to turn it into a gilded trampy ode to her egomaniacal husband.

Jackie Kennedy: I’m LOL’ing to keep myself from COL’ing. Right there with you sister. I didn’t overhaul that joint in the ’60s and showcase it to the world to have Siegfried & Roy move in half a century later.

Eleanor Roosevelt: Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.  Melania is very attractive and looks nothing like a besequined lion tamer.

Melania Trump: Et is okay Eleanor. I no listen to zees bitches. Zees house in White like my dresses es very tiny. Et can barely hold my lingerie clothing. But thank you Eleanor for having my bach. Woman like tea bag. Put in hot water to see how strong. You very strong Eleanor. And handsome like my Donald.

Eleanor Roosevelt: Hey, didn’t I say that? Well, sort of…. Not the Donald thing.

Betty Ford: I think you’re all nuts and I know a thing or two about psychiatric treatment.

Rosalynn Carter: Oh, be kind Betty. I know more about nuts than you do. My husband farms them.

Betty Ford: Why doesn’t Hillary ever come to these things?

Dolley Madison: She’s too busy becoming the president to hang out with us anymore.

Melania Trump: I vunder ef she needs first lady in case my Donald lose.

Eleanor Roosevelt: I’d certainly audition you for the job.

Jackie Kennedy: Jesus Eleanor, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Eleanor Roosevelt: I’m embarrassing myself?! I didn’t run off with a Greek shipping tycoon after my husband got shot to run around topless on yachts and private islands.

Jackie Kennedy: What are you talking about? I brought class and dignity to the White House during a time of international mourning and went on to a successful career in publishing on my own. These are the equal rights that you fought for!

Melania Trump: Vhy can’t ve all just get along?

Michelle Obama: Hey, sorry I’m late. Been a little busy lately. I haven’t even had time to hula hoop. And really Melania? You need to vet your wordsmiths more wisely dear. I’m happy to recommend someone.

Jackie Kennedy: You’re a class act Michelle. And you do it in ready-to-wear and American designers.

Michelle Obama: Thanks Jackie. That means a lot coming from you.

Eleanor Roosevelt: OMG are you guys still talking about clothes and interior decorating?

Rosalynn Carter: Seriously. Eleanor and I were close advisors to our husbands.

Michelle Obama: What?! As if Hillary and I were idle?!

Jackie Kennedy: Oh s***. Here she comes.

Hillary Clinton: Hey ladies. I’m looking for Bill. I thought he was with you.

Dolley Madison: Perhaps he is in the Ovarian Office. Tee hee.

Hillary Clinton: Well Hello Dolley! Look who’s the comedian. How many times have you been on ‘Saturday Night Live’?

Dolley Madison: Hmmph. I had to put up with two presidents — both Jefferson and my husband James. How many of you can say that?

Hillary Clinton: I guess I can if you count a husband and wife being president.

Melania Trump: Et es not November yet Hillary.

Hillary Clinton: No, but Winter is Coming.