by Nicole Crews
Me: I think it’s funny how the Viking takes his pants off like a fireman — in a perfectly stepped-out-of stovepipe pile.
Mother: Nicole, firemen don’t step out of their pants like that. They step into their pants like that.
Me: Either way, that’s hot.
Mother: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
Me: The Viking sets his pants on fire almost every day, welding.
Mother: Pants on Fire is an excellent Indian name for him.
It’s January people — and the cruising season has officially begun. My friends from near and far have been boarding vessels of all shapes and sizes ever since 2014 took its walk of shame into the New Year. From catamarans to the Bahamas to Key Westing it to Cuba embargo-free all the way to an across-the-pond journey on the Queen Mary II — it’s been high times on the high seas for those I hold dear. I too have been on quite a journey thus far this year, albeit landlocked — and I’ve kept a log.
Captain’s Log: USS Viking. 1.1.2015
Me: Did we leave without paying the tab last night?
Viking: I have no idea, but you left a deposit of red wine all over their front patio.
Me: Ooh. That’s why my throat is sore.
Viking: Sure it is.
Me: We are due at brunch in an hour. We can get a coffee on the way.
Viking: How about a bloody Mary.
Me: Great. Frank and Brad are on the bloody Queen Mary II and all I get is a stinkin’ bloody Mary.
Viking: You can have two.
Captain’s Log: USS Viking. 1.2.2015
Me: How was work?
Viking: No rest for the wicked.
Me: Big D and I went to a bunch of salvage yards. We found a fire truck from Climax from the ’40s, a couple of cool old Internationals and a ’51 Dodge. We also found Hooters letter signage and a couple of fiberglass peppers from a Chili’s. I considered getting the Thor for you.
Viking: You two are nuts.
Me: We are pretty glamorous.
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Captain’s Log: USS Viking. 1.3.2015
Mother: So how was your Friday night?
Me: I threw a tantrum last night. Call me crazy but indoor pellet gun shooting is where I draw the line.
Mother: That’s the difference between women and Vikings.
Me: We need a den mother.
Mother: You don’t know what to do with a bedridden mother, let alone a den mother.
Captain’s Log: USS Viking. 1.4.2015
Mother: What are you doing today?
Me: Finishing up the kitchen. I’ve filled all the floor cracks with wood filler and now I’ve got to sand it all down, then paint, then stencil.
Mother: Is the Viking helping you?
Me: No, he’s plugging holes in his boat.
Mother: You guys have more projects going on than HGTV and TLC combined.
Me: Only with better programming.
Mother: And worse funding.
Captain’s Log: USS Viking. 1.5.2015
Me: I feel like things are getting back to normal although I really miss walking with Denise, Angie and Anne while everyone is on vacation. Great stories come with four characters. I think Aristotle said that. Or maybe I’m thinking of Chinese Chengyu idioms.
Viking: Like “The Flintstones.”
Me: Bwahahaha.
Viking: Or “Married with Children.”
Me: Stop it.
Viking: I’m glad I can make you laugh.
Captain’s Log: USS Viking. 1.6.2015
Me: Our New Year’s resolution to be more civilized isn’t exactly panning out.
Viking: Eating over the garbage can might be considered extremely civilized in some cultures.
Me: Maybe for a squirrel. I like to think we’re better than that.
Viking: C’mon, you look fancy, but you like being a barbarian.
Me: I think you might be right.
Viking: Cheers to 2015!
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