All She Wrote: Hollywood High

by Nicole Crews

Mother: What did you have for dinner last night?

Me: I clubbed some baby kale.

Mother: Why?

Me: I needed strength for the Golden Globes.

It’s been said that the political realm of Washington DC is like Hollywood for ugly people. That might be true, but I tend to think of Hollywood as its own political realm — only peopled with the pretty. Tinsel Town agendas may be slightly more self-aggrandizing and shallow than those splayed in our nation’s capitol — but just by a scoch. No matter whether the pendulum swings to the left coast or to the right, it’s all about power, and as Henry Kissinger once said, “Power is the great aphrodisiac.”

I’m convinced that the origin story for that power struggle begins in the belly of a horrendous beast. Its seed is planted in a place where mayhem reigns under the guise of order and each day is a prickly struggle for survival. That place is called high school.

So, just in time for the advent of awards season, I give you my take on the cast of Hollywood High. It’s a mix of a cute meet at a pep rally and a noir drug deal under the bleachers — and based on 2015’s kick-off Golden Globes, it’s been a banner year.

FACULTY

Principal George Clooney — Hollywood High’s most affable alumni, this silver fox leads the pack when it comes to raising mediocrity to new heights by doing it with great style and a signature wink.

Vice Principal Helen Mirren — A transplant from the elite English public school system, her highness Helen has given more legs up to women of a certain age in Hollywood than Louis B. Mayer’s casting couch.

Assistant Vice Principal Julia Louis-Dreyfus — More of a stitch than Elaine Stritch, Louis-Dreyfus is the broad of the Baby Boomer generation.

Head Coach Robert Duvall — All gristle with a whistle, Duvall continues to bluster his way through each season a bonafide champion.

History Department Head Edward Norton — An annoying yet brilliant teacher with an exceptional range of material and scope.

Home Economics Department Head Juliana Margulies — A good wife all around, Margulies has sewed up high-profile modern marriage aka domestic policy on the small screen by raiding Olivia Pope’s closet and straightening her hair.

Science Department Head Tom Cruise — Though he put the tology in Science and the risky in business (insert joke about cock and tail), Cruise’s career and personal life are still under the microscope and creepy has been detected.

Foreign Language Department Head Jennifer Lopez — Appointed to the position because of the size of breadth of her, ahem, ca-rear, Lopez has shown great growth over the years, largely as a wedding planner. She has a great future behind her.

English Department Head Kevin Spacey — You know that smarmy teacher who is way overinvolved with his students lives and whom drives a bus so he knows where you live guy? That’s Spacey.

STAFF

Janitors Owen Wilson, Louis CK and Steve Buscemi — Philosophical clean-up men, these two aren’t afraid to look ugly nor get their hands dirty when it comes to taking on gritty roles.

Cafeteria Ladies Kathy Bates and Frances McDormand — Consummate professionals, these fishnets-to-hairnets gals know how to smack it on the plate on the big screen. Well acquainted with Amy Sedaris’ “F*** It Bucket” when it comes to fashion and glamour, these plain janes know that starlets will come and go but their careers are gravy.

STUDENT BODY

Ethan Hawke and Mark Ruffalo — Tied for Most Brooding this dirge-namic duo has ruffled more than a few feathers on the indie-film scene.

Jessica Chastain — Prom Queen and Valedictorian, Chastain is beauty with a brain.

Reese Witherspoon — Voted Clunkiest Athlete to Go Pro, Witherspoon takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin.’

Viola Davis — AKA Shonda, Davis leads a double life in Hollywood on the big and small screen. Voted most likely to see racism and sexism diminish significantly in her lifetime.

Prince – AV club president and aspiring blind man Prince was voted Most Likely to Resemble a Cher Hair Ball and he did not disappoint.

Lena Dunham — Called Hanna the Barbarian behind her back, Dunham was voted Most Likely to Be More Like Character on “Girls” Than She Would Like You to Believe.

Don Cheadle — Voted Most Likely to Moon, this bare-bones actor is unafraid to show his penis and buttocks on camera time after time. Yet Cheadle’s talent is so great you forget about the full frontal assault.

Ricky Gervais — Voted Most Likely to be Murdered by a Scientologist One Day.

Patricia Arquette — Voted Miss Congeniality. She’s a legacy.

Kiera Knightly — Voted Most Attractive Wonky Teeth in senior superlatives.

Emma Stone — Voted Most Likely to One Day Resemble Shirley Maclaine.

Meryl Streep — Student Emeritus Streep has been voted Most Likely to Never Stop Working year after year.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler — The smart girls who got those moles removed, fixed those teeth and lost the hate weight; Poehler and Fey are having a heyday that will last a lifetime.

Channing Tatum — Quarterback of the football team and all-around nice guy with a surprising range, Tatum is predicted to continue to blossom.

Kate Hudson — A fourth year senior, we are unsure of what Hudson does with her time but she keeps coming back every year.

Kevin Hart — A recent transfer, Hart’s rise to popularity is both inexplicable and unrefreshing.