All She Wrote: Loosie and the Sky with Neil Diamond

by Nicole Crews

Scene: At the lake and on Day 3 of a bathing cleanse prescribed to me by Greensboro-based intuitive spiritualist Sky Bradshaw. I’m texting her frantically because I’m in recovery from the loss of my mother and I’m open to anything that will make the transition easier. I’m also a Standard Operating Procedure dork — and this groovy business is all new to me.

Me: So, Christina Calabria gave me a third-eye cleanser — chakra-enlightening crown oil. Is it okay for me to use it after the bath? I don’t want to mix the medications.

Sky (laughing): Yes, Nicole that will be fine.

Me: I told her that you said I could use any crystal I had and that I laughed and said, ‘Who do you think I am — Christina Calabria — with a bucket of crystals just lying around?’

Sky: I love Christina.

Me: Me too, but she got the hippie gene. I got sent to military school so my idea of letting loose is not having two fingers delineating each hanger in my closet.

I should interject and say it’s going as best as can be expected. I’m looking inward, eating right, moving my body, talking to kind and loving people. Nurturing my nest. I called Sky for an appointment because I think we can all use a readjustment at different junctures in our lives and a good spiritual cleanse sounded a lot more appealing than a coffee enema or a decade of therapy.

Sky lives in Westerwood and thanks to the Greensboro neighborhood dive bar’s signature line I already knew it was “the place where dreams come true.” Her home, with its sparkling bottle tree, red porch furniture, fairway greens and tidy rocks, looks a lot like a place where Glenda the Good Spiritualist might live. Sky, with a corona of blond curls and fitted, brightly-hued yoga-meets-shaman-meets-80s-workout-video attire emerges and welcomes me to her home where she takes me on a journey inward. We laugh, we cry, I circle the block and have a good visit with my favorite boho-elegante, Christina, and her best friend Pam Glosser. We laugh, we cry. I’m spent.

Scene: Cleansing bath No. 4 at the lake and I’m cranking Neil Diamond because I’m sick of listening to cicadas crackling, tree frogs humping and Gregorian chant. Concerned that I’ve fumbled the cleanse, I text Sky again because of a disturbing development.

Me: So my question to you is has anyone ever gotten into their cleansing bath with their crystal and gotten out without it?

Sky: No, I can’t say that has ever happened before.

Me: Did I sit on it? Oopsie.

Sky: Well it wasn’t a selenite stone so it shouldn’t have dissolved.

Me: We shall see if it emerges. I’ve heard of passing kidney stones but not carnelian.

Sky: I’m pretty sure (at least let’s hope) you would know if you took it ‘in.’

Me: Carnelian: It’s the holistic IUD.

Sky: Ha ha. The energy within. Works great with your root chakra. That would be a great pick up line. ‘I lost this stone — I swear it’s in there somewhere.’

Me: ‘Just keep looking.’

Sky: Maybe it’s like ‘The Princess and the Pea’ and only the correct prince can find it.

Me: Adult children’s book.

Me: What’s even funnier is that I named it Don Carnelius. ‘I took a bath with Don Carnelius and he wound up in my vagina.’

Sky: Who needs douches? You have the most cleansed vagina in Greensboro. It’s balanced and energized too.

Me: You can add that to your website. Want me to write a testimonial? ‘Sky Bradshaw knows how to cleanse a vagina!’

Me: So how do you want me to describe you? Shaman, psychic, spiritualist?

Sky: I hate labels but I would say I’m an intuitive spiritualist. I really like oracle but that freaks people out.

Me: Oracle of the Orifice? That would really freak people out. But you probably already know that!