It Just Might Work: Banning bathtubs

On a brisk Friday morning, more than 100 opponents and a couple dozen members of the media attended a press conference in Greensboro’s government plaza. The gathering was a community response to President Donald Trump’s executive orders, which include increasing deportations and immigration enforcement as well as denying federal funding to sanctuary cities. Later that day, he would sign another that suspends refugee admissions for 120 days and travel to the U.S. by citizens of seven Muslim-majority countries for 90 days.

Near the end of the press conference, a representative from the Islamic Center of Greensboro asked that members of the audience Google the chances of dying in a terrorist attack. His request led to a swift and alarming revelation.

What we would find, the representative declared, was that threat of terrorism is overshadowed by a more terrifying, undisclosed killer: drowning in a bathtub.

There was no time for fact checking: Bathtubs are a determined threat to everyday Americans.

It appears even the White House itself isn’t safe. Do we know how many now linger right under the nose of our otherwise vigilant new commander in chief?

They came for William Taft. Barely, he escaped.

But seeing our POTUS busy himself with lesser threats to the American people leaves this writer questioning: Can we really trust our federal government to singlehandedly save us from such an immediate menace? This writer says hell no.

So I’m calling on the good people of the North Carolina General Assembly, and none other than, if I may, state Sen. Dan Bishop of Charlotte. I ask you, respectfully: When will enough be enough?

Amid so diligently determining and limiting who can barge into our bathrooms, it appears you let the most dangerous perpetrator of all slip by: a porcelain assassin.

Hence, we must primarily and swiftly take care of those most vulnerable among us: the politicians. I ask you to build upon your proposed legislation that would protect defenseless politicians such as former governor Pat McCrory from ubiquitous leftist rioters. I call for legislation that would extend the proposed five-year prison sentence to anyone who threatens or intimidates a government official with the mere mention of a bathtub.

Who better to put forth now that history is watching? Who better than you, Sen. Bishop, to lead us by example, so that we may stay safe, so that we may sleep well, and so that we may look to you and know that none of us need be any cleaner than our conscience?