by Joanna Rutter
1. The ‘Coliseum Nomad’
Thanks to our capitalist temple — oh, excuse me, stadium — there’s a steady stream of D-level athletes and touring backup dancers in town. Sure, sometimes you luck out and flirt with an Olympian (ping-pong player). But a Piedmont gentlewoman of discerning taste gotta factor in the V-Day source of the latest crop of Nomads. Haven’t you heard the circus is coming into town this week? Think about that for two seconds and then swipe left quickly. Faster.
2. The ‘Dead Bambi Selfie’
Speaking of mistreated animals. “Hey girl, how’s a homemade venison burger sound? Gotta wash all this blood off first though.” First of all, I have a strict no-swipe-right rule on any men posing with anything dead. It’s been a fail-proof policy so far. Anyway, Selfie, if you have a deep urge to provide food for me in some sort of “haven’t we evolved past this yet? Nope, okay” way, couldn’t we just go get milkshakes at Cookout? Where the camouflage is optional?
3. The ‘Undercover Frosh’
Also known as the “Greatest Bait n’ Switch on Earth.” Thanks for be so up front with me in your bio by saying “jk I’m 20 ;) hmu” since you listed your age as 26. Before we have even interacted, you’ve already lied to me, yet somehow I feel like the gross one. Dear Froshy, as I now have no reason to trust you whatsoever, please go play nicely with the other kids and stay in school.
4. The ‘South Will Rise Again’
I can get lulled into enjoying genuinely kind conversations with the many nice people on Tinder that I can forget about Rise Again. But he’s always here. I want to laugh when I encounter his stone-faced portrait with the Confederate flag hanging in the background and unabashedly xenophobic bio, but I can’t, because I know it’s real. There’s nothing uglier than hatred and prejudice.
5. The ‘Suffocation by Small Town’
“You have 45 friends in common.” Yes, of course we freaking do. The Suffocation’s been at every party I’ve gone to in the past year and there’s usually a good reason he is not my friend. Backup plan: If I ever change my mind about the Suffocation, I can get his number from most of the people on my block. Hell, I could probably just yell his name really loudly, along with, “Swipe right!” That’s how it works in real life, right?