All She Wrote: A Taylor Swiftian proposal

Taylor Swift: I knew you were trouble when you walked in so shame on me now.

European Union: Um, huh?

Taylor Swift: Flew me to places I’ve never been, now I’m lying on the cold, hard ground.

Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble.

Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble.

In late June’s heartbreakingly breaking news that Taylor Swift has called it quits with the EU, it would come as no surprise that the Teflon chanteuse had written a song about the breakup. Yet in a bizarre turn of events the EU has beat her at her own game and is poised to release a song about the split. Triad City Beat has secured an early copy of the lyrics.

In other news it is rumored that Swift has rebounded with the Eurasian Economic Union and is studying the Cyrillic alphabet furiously at her Rhode Island mansion. This story has not yet been confirmed.

“Mad Cow”

by the European Union

Cause baby, you’re a Mad Cow

You know it used to be Chunnel vows

So take a look the pound now

Cause baby, you’re a Mad Cow

You can’t take it back, look at where you’re at

We was united, like the states

Now it’s like, we don’t even date

Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson broke us like panne

Just like a baguette — in Paris, France

Cameron resigned — like a shrimp in a pan

In a paella in Spain where our love began

I don’t hate you, but I have to critique

Those geezers who made us incomplete

It’ll take time to erase you and jobs galore

And a lot of wailing on Parliament’s floor

So you can see why my respect ain’t sincere no more

Oh it’s sad to

Think about the good times

You and I

Eurostar trips and real French fries

Belgian chocolates and diamonds galore

Inexpensive Bordeaux and petit four

Sauerbraten and so much more

Erasmus-funded education and Italian shores

Balkan brandy and Portuguese fado door-to-door

Cause baby, you’re a Mad Cow

You know it used to be Chunnel vows

So take a look at the Pound now

Cause baby, you’re a Mad Cow

You can’t take it back

Take a look where you at

We was united, like the states

Now it’s like we don’t even date

Now we’ve got problems

Like economic pull out

Forget the sauerkraut

And I don’t think we can solve ’em

You made a really deep cut

And baby, now you’re really a Mad Cow

Nobody will touch you

And it’s sad cause we loved you

Forty-eight percent wanted us together

Now it’s raining all the time, just like you

It’s nasty weather

I don’t care if you can knit a sweater

You broke the yarn that tied us together

Cause baby, you’re a Mad Cow

You know it used to be Chunnel vows

So take a look at the Pound now

Cause baby, you’re a Mad Cow