All She Wrote: In there like swimwear: a guide to swimsuits 2014

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by Nicole Crews

Mother: What’s that?

Me: It’s a lingerie cabinet.

Mother: I’ve seen your underwear, it wouldn’t fill up a jewelry box.

Me: I keep my swimsuits in there too.

Mother: Those aren’t swimsuits Nicole, they are a series of triangles that Euclid himself would have trouble deciphering.

It’s that time of year again ladies. The earth’s semi-axis has tilted toward the sun and summer has officially begun. The dropping of the trou in dressing rooms across the Triad has commenced and the search for perfect swimwear is well underway. To some this means the heralding in of the season of skin — a chance for abs of steel to shine in the sun. To others it means the masking of epidermal real estate, the rigging of straps, the tugging of lycra and strategy of the sarong. Whatever your side of the poolside fence, I offer you my guide to the summer 2014 swimwear offerings.

The Carradine 

(also known as the Michael Hutchence): Features wraparound styling that puts a chokehold on drop-dead design. The modest fit makes this style perfect for sailboat rigging or just hanging out.

The Crochetter

(also known as the Bitch in Stitches): The ’70s-inspired crochet suit is guaranteed to keep your friends amused as it catches on seashells, coral reefs and every barnacle by the sea. On the upside, if you are offshore and enjoy diving, you’re sure to bring in the catch of the day inside your very own suit.

The Global Warmer

(also known as the Kente Cloth): Inspired by document fabrics from around the world, these multi-hued ethnic beauties are a veritable Benetton ad and a way to celebrate the cultures of the world right on your tuchus.

The Black Widow

(also known as the Lara Croft): Perfect for crimefighting as well as pool time. These suits come with a reversible white lining known as the “Rachel.”

The Strap-On

(also known as the Trussed Ham): In the tan-line-free world we live in today, these bondage-based beauties are perfect for extra support for the busty gal and double as a bungee cord.

The Enron

(also known as the Shredded Document): Unique styling with the fringe benefit of doubling as a car-wash brush. Don’t stand too close to an oscillating fan in this baby or you may find yourself wearing the ever-popular Birthday Suit.  

The Chastity Bono Belt

(Also known as the Chaz and the Crying Game): Retro-fit high bottoms are perfect for masking figure flaws as well as hiding anything extra below decks. The Bi-Kini is universally hated by heterosexual males for unknown reasons.

The Flapper

(also known as False Advertising): The flounce top serves as a grand illusionist when it comes to ampling up the bust line. It also works well as a swimmers’ distress flag when worn in neon colors.

The Sister Wife

(also known as the Modest Proposal): For the fair-skinned, the sporty nun, the promise-ringed and Jonas brothers’ wives — these full-coverage maillots are sold by the yard.

The Kahlo

(also known as the Day of the Dead Libido): This macabre onesie is guaranteed to garner attention from zombies, goths and taco trucks both north and south of the border. Mexican wrestling mask sold separately.