Mother: So I guess now that you’ve dated a construction guy you’ve essentially dated the Village People.
Me: I’ve never dated a cop.
Mother: Really? What do you have against cops?
Me: Nothing. But like the Bukowski character in Barfly I just seem to feel better when they’re not around…. Wait. When did I date “military man?”
Mother: Your West Point boyfriend.
Me: Oh, right. And I guess you are counting the gay Navajo guy I used to garden with.
Mother: He was charming. What was his name?
Me: I can’t remember.
I was recently engaged with a group of thinkers and introduced to a musician who looked vaguely familiar and I observed that musicians out of their natural, stage habitat look totally different. My friend asked why. I said, “Because when they are playing they have that affixed face of concentration. I call it the ‘sex face.’ And people — well, most people — don’t walk around sporting their sex face.” That got me to thinking about the occupational and avocational hazards of dating. Here are a few of my findings from over the years.
Doctor (Scientific name: Godcomplexus DrivesaLexus)
Egomaniacs of the ER, masters of the HMO universe, dictators of the dental chair, oligarchs of the OBGYN faction — no matter their specialty, these boys like their women with fast pulses, normal heart rates and below average brain power. At least these MDs won’t have STDs, but for god’s sake never beat them at golf.
Lawyer (Scientific name: Arguesalotis Assholius)
Professional quarrelers, lawyers are always building a case against you. Their evidence file is vast and despite any number of character witnesses you might have — they will always win. But either way, you lose.
Athlete (Scientific name: Baller Simpletonius)
Physical specimens to be sure but it’s kind of like the time I interviewed the No. 1 draft pick for the Yankees and and asked, “The Yankees have a lot riding on you — what are your aspirations?” His reply: “I’m a Presbyterian.”
Musician (Scientific name: Brokius Sameoldsongian)
If you enjoy vacuuming picks out of your carpet, dusting drum kits or seeing a spittle-filled horn piece in your sink then this is the guy for you. He speaks through his music more than his mouth so communication is limited. Be sure you really like his jam before you commit to a lifetime of picking up picks — and the check.
Construction man (Scientific name: Hammers Hardius)
Usually both handy and handsy, hard-hatted and hard-headed, this tool belt-toting guy is a lot of fun to have around — as long as you don’t have white upholstery and there’s a wide berth between your front door and the nearest shower. His friends might pose a problem though — unless you enjoy entertaining a motley jobsite on a regular basis.
Chef (Scientific name: Stainless Steelius)
This man may or may not bring home the bacon but he will certainly come home smelling like it. Be sure to invest in Irish Spring if you date one of these kitchen folk. They are overall passionate and appreciate nuances but how this failed to translate to chef pants is beyond me.
Fireman (Scientific name: Hold Hosius)
Generally wholesome in nature, a team player who enjoys helping others — remember this is also a guy who has his pants down and is ready to go at all times. He also likes poles and hanging out with a bunch of dudes making chili.
Artist (Scientific name: Turpentinus Likesvaginius)
He’s usually an extreme romantic — dying to paint, sculpt or channel your beauty into his art in some form or fashion. Just be sure to check out his oeuvre of work to see how many muses he’s committed to memory before you commit your heart to bronze, marble, acrylic or oil.
Writer (Scientific name: Scribblius Selfabsorbsius)
The worst of the bunch, this blowhard with a laptop will not only steal your material, he’ll write about you under the guise of anonymity and then write you off with nary a The End.
Mechanic (Scientific name: Dirtynailius Fixacarius)
This guy likes to get his hands dirty — and that’s a good thing. Just make sure he spends as much time on your internal combustion engine as his own.