Nicole_Crews_01by Nicole Crews

Mother: Did you watch the Oscars?

Me: You mean the Oprahs?

Mother: The camera did seem to spot on her a lot.

Me: Yeah. You’d think she was Kanye at the Grammys.

Mother: Who is Kanye? Oh. I know. That rude rapper. I’m glad he’s not in the movies. So many rappers are.

Me: Street cred pays off on screen. I have to say that I love Common though.

Mother: Who is Common?

Me: He’s kind of like the Harry Belafonte of this era.

Mother: Then why is he called Common?

Me: I think he was originally named Common Sense but some ska band with the same name sued him.

Mother: I’m not even going to ask what ska is. It sounds like something my neighboring Swedes would eat in Minnesota.

Me: It’s kind of like pre-reggae. Speaking of which, I’m going to see the Wailers. A little Rastafari in the middle of this cold should do me some good.

Mother: Are those the people who don’t cut their hair and eschew modernity?

Me: I think you are thinking of the Amish, but oddly, you are close.

Mother: So, what did you think of the Oscars.

Me: Ugh. It was like a four-hour Disney Cruise peopled with proselytizing, privileged people.

Mother: Why don’t these people just thank their agents and go have a drink. It’s just the movies.

Me: I know. I felt like I was at a rather heated PTA meeting.

I blame Marlon Brando and Jane Fonda and movie-star politicians.

Mother: A talking head is a talking head.

Me: Unless you’re talking about the Talking Heads.

Mother: You exhaust me.

Me: Now you’re just quoting “Gilmore Girls.”

Mother: Speaking of “Gilmore Girls” and the Oscars — I didn’t realize that Edward Hermann passed away last year.

Me: Sad. But Melissa McCarthy, Matt Czuchry, Lauren Graham are all alive and well career-wise. I think of Hollywood as Seven Degrees of Gilmore Girls.

Mother: Where was all the Hollywood glamour anyway?

Me: I know. It was like a bridesmaid and mother-of-the-bride convention.

Mother: Even Kerry Washington let me down. Talk about mother of the bride.

Me: Peplums should be reserved for the thin-hipped and Ida Lupino alone. Plus the color was horrible on her.

Mother: Lots of nude.

Me: Neil Patrick Harris’ version was the most flattering. Seriously, it looked like someone slung an ace bandage and caught Oprah, Zoe Saldana and Jennifer Aniston in a tailspin. J Lo got the nubby tail end of it.

Mother: There were some good bold color statements though.

Me: I hope you are not talking about Scarlett Johansson’s green choker. She looked like she ripped it off the neck of Miss Kitty from “Gunsmoke.” And that twig Giuliana Rancic covering the red carpet for E! News looked like one of my dogs chewed up the carpet and threw it up all over her.

Mother:  Julianne Moore looked like a movie star.

Me: Julianne Moore is a movie star. So many in attendance were not.

Mother: Like Lady Gaga? She did a beautiful job with “The Sound of Music” though.

Me: Her red-carpet dress looked like Glenda the Good Witch took a day job as a butcher.

Mother: The dress she wore onstage looked like she repurposed window sheers. Maria would approve.

Me: What did you think of Gwyneth’s shoulder blossom?

Mother: She can now be the spokesperson for Summer’s Eve.

Me: My friend April Smith said she looked like she got twisted up in her pink sheets and couldn’t escape.

Mother: I think she’s reliving her pink dress win for Shakespeare in Love.

Me: What did you think of all of the ornate bodices? Felicity Jones was in the gray beaded choker with a chiffon skirt and Lupita Nyong’o wore the custom Calvin Klein with the pearl bodice. It looked like Venus de Milo discovered Chanel.

Mother: She’s lovely. But her skin tone looks so much better in bright colors.

Me: True. She and ScoJo should have traded dresses. I think Lupita could have pulled that collar off with her long neck.

Mother: Who was the girl with the messy hair in the red dress with the bejeweled strap?

Me: Dakota Johnson? She was the lead in Fifty Shades of Grey. That’s Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s daughter — and Tippie Hedren’s granddaughter.

Mother: Well that makes sense. Her hair was for The Birds.

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