by Nicole Crews
M: (yelling at me across a crowded restaurant patio): OMG, I have to tell you about my first three-way!
Me: Dear god, I hope you are talking about a lightbulb.
M: Well, it was a turn-on.
The sonnet may have taken a swan dive, and the epistolary romance may have been run over by mail truck, but the lexicon of love is alive and well and texting to a phone near you. This is straight from the horse’s mouth (that’s a real thing, too) and also straight from a few horses’ asses. I’ve been polling my peeps (yes, that’s a thing, too — it involves Easter candy) and the results are in, from A to Z. So before you stumble into a situation on Valentines’ Day, make sure you know your alphabet.
When you want to strangle your partner because they can’t spell.
Any sexual act involving fragrant meat. Also known as porking or in the case of sexual acts involving Vietnamese noodle soup, phorking.
When you climax while watching Panthers football.
Also when you pose for nude photos with your mouth wide open.
Dead Sea scrolling
When your dating site matches you with old dudes. Dead Sea Trolling is when you are looking for them.
A relationship with a pre-ordained time limit.
Trolling for a date on Facebook with people who aren’t your friends.
When your partner finally shuts up — or shuts you up.
A woman who once identified as a lesbian but does so no longer.
When you are just too tired to move.
Jalapeño finger poppers
When you are looking for some hot stuff.
A fetish for hirsute, bizarrely shaped Armenians from Calabasas, Calif.
When you become acutely cramped from holding your belly in during sex.
An unattractive woman with the ability to turn your privates to stone.
That creepy guy that comes up to you in public and starts rubbing your neck.
A man with a fetish for Bond girls. Or a woman with a fetish for squid.
A lonely girl who watches a lot of Ben Stiller movies.
When Quakers sow their wild oats. Or go to Guilford College.
The desire to have sex in old cotton mills.
It’s 69 plus two. You do the math.
When you recognize your Tinder date across the room.
Unimpressive underwear. Also a fetish for babytalk.
When you sleep with someone again and just don’t remember it that way.
When it’s so cold you are too exhausted for sex by the time you take all of your clothes off.
When you’re booty calling and reach the Xs in your contacts list and realize you are s*** out of luck.
The fetish of drinking a chocolate-milk drink while sexting.
Sexual fear of the shape of a Zima bottle. Also fear of drinking Zima, smelling like Zima, being seen drinking Zima.