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    Home All She Wrote All She Wrote: Love me Tinder: a modern dictionary of dirty talk

    All She Wrote: Love me Tinder: a modern dictionary of dirty talk

    Nicole_Crewsby Nicole Crews

    M: (yelling at me across a crowded restaurant patio): OMG, I have to tell you about my first three-way!

    Me: Dear god, I hope you are talking about a lightbulb.

    M: Well, it was a turn-on.

    The sonnet may have taken a swan dive, and the epistolary romance may have been run over by mail truck, but the lexicon of love is alive and well and texting to a phone near you. This is straight from the horse’s mouth (that’s a real thing, too) and also straight from a few horses’ asses. I’ve been polling my peeps (yes, that’s a thing, too — it involves Easter candy) and the results are in, from A to Z. So before you stumble into a situation on Valentines’ Day, make sure you know your alphabet.

    Autocorrect asphyxiation

    When you want to strangle your partner because they can’t spell.

    Baconating

    Any sexual act involving fragrant meat. Also known as porking or in the case of sexual acts involving Vietnamese noodle soup, phorking.

    Camming

    When you climax while watching Panthers football.

    Also when you pose for nude photos with your mouth wide open.

    Dead Sea scrolling

    When your dating site matches you with old dudes. Dead Sea Trolling is when you are looking for them.

    Expiration dating

    A relationship with a pre-ordained time limit.

    Face f***ing

    Trolling for a date on Facebook with people who aren’t your friends.

    Gag gift

    When your partner finally shuts up — or shuts you up.

    Hasbian

    A woman who once identified as a lesbian but does so no longer.

    Inter-corpse

    When you are just too tired to move.

    Jalapeño finger poppers

    When you are looking for some hot stuff.

    Kardashophilia

    A fetish for hirsute, bizarrely shaped Armenians from Calabasas, Calif.

    Lifosuction

    When you become acutely cramped from holding your belly in during sex.

    Medusa

    An unattractive woman with the ability to turn your privates to stone.

    Neck romancer

    That creepy guy that comes up to you in public and starts rubbing your neck.

    Octopussy

    A man with a fetish for Bond girls. Or a woman with a fetish for squid.

    Por-poise

    A lonely girl who watches a lot of Ben Stiller movies.

    Quaker oats

    When Quakers sow their wild oats. Or go to Guilford College.

    Revolution milling

    The desire to have sex in old cotton mills.

    Seventy-one

    It’s 69 plus two. You do the math.

    Tinder spotting

    When you recognize your Tinder date across the room.

    Underwoos

    Unimpressive underwear. Also a fetish for babytalk.

    Vagnesia

    When you sleep with someone again and just don’t remember it that way.

    Weather stripping

    When it’s so cold you are too exhausted for sex by the time you take all of your clothes off.

    Xylophone

    When you’re booty calling and reach the Xs in your contacts list and realize you are s*** out of luck.

    YooHooing

    The fetish of drinking a chocolate-milk drink while sexting.

    Zimaphobia

    Sexual fear of the shape of a Zima bottle. Also fear of drinking Zima, smelling like Zima, being seen drinking Zima.

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