by Nicole Crews
M: (yelling at me across a crowded restaurant patio): OMG, I have to tell you about my first three-way!
Me: Dear god, I hope you are talking about a lightbulb.
M: Well, it was a turn-on.
The sonnet may have taken a swan dive, and the epistolary romance may have been run over by mail truck, but the lexicon of love is alive and well and texting to a phone near you. This is straight from the horse’s mouth (that’s a real thing, too) and also straight from a few horses’ asses. I’ve been polling my peeps (yes, that’s a thing, too — it involves Easter candy) and the results are in, from A to Z. So before you stumble into a situation on Valentines’ Day, make sure you know your alphabet.
Autocorrect asphyxiation
When you want to strangle your partner because they can’t spell.
Baconating
Any sexual act involving fragrant meat. Also known as porking or in the case of sexual acts involving Vietnamese noodle soup, phorking.
Camming
When you climax while watching Panthers football.
Also when you pose for nude photos with your mouth wide open.
Dead Sea scrolling
When your dating site matches you with old dudes. Dead Sea Trolling is when you are looking for them.
Expiration dating
A relationship with a pre-ordained time limit.
Face f***ing
Trolling for a date on Facebook with people who aren’t your friends.
Gag gift
When your partner finally shuts up — or shuts you up.
Hasbian
A woman who once identified as a lesbian but does so no longer.
Inter-corpse
When you are just too tired to move.
Jalapeño finger poppers
When you are looking for some hot stuff.
Kardashophilia
A fetish for hirsute, bizarrely shaped Armenians from Calabasas, Calif.
Lifosuction
When you become acutely cramped from holding your belly in during sex.
Medusa
An unattractive woman with the ability to turn your privates to stone.
Neck romancer
That creepy guy that comes up to you in public and starts rubbing your neck.
Octopussy
A man with a fetish for Bond girls. Or a woman with a fetish for squid.
Por-poise
A lonely girl who watches a lot of Ben Stiller movies.
Quaker oats
When Quakers sow their wild oats. Or go to Guilford College.
Revolution milling
The desire to have sex in old cotton mills.
Seventy-one
It’s 69 plus two. You do the math.
Tinder spotting
When you recognize your Tinder date across the room.
Underwoos
Unimpressive underwear. Also a fetish for babytalk.
Vagnesia
When you sleep with someone again and just don’t remember it that way.
Weather stripping
When it’s so cold you are too exhausted for sex by the time you take all of your clothes off.
Xylophone
When you’re booty calling and reach the Xs in your contacts list and realize you are s*** out of luck.
YooHooing
The fetish of drinking a chocolate-milk drink while sexting.
Zimaphobia
Sexual fear of the shape of a Zima bottle. Also fear of drinking Zima, smelling like Zima, being seen drinking Zima.
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