All She Wrote: Oscar the Grouch

by Nicole Crews

Jules: Did you watch the Oscars?

Me: Not really. I was too embarrassed for Hollywood. Actually, I dipped in and out. I was over the fashion as soon as I saw Olivia Wilde festooned with coffee filters. And Sofia Vergara looked like she was going to a goth quinceañera.

Jules: Ha. I wondered. You are usually all over it with social media. Did you see all of the movies?

Me: Some. The genre of various forms of child abuse is not my favorite.

Jules: Well I’m glad DiCaprio won Best Actor. I think he was due.

Me: Good lawd though. A little preachy and speech-y. Channeling his inner Brando I see. Though I guess it’s good to see him get behind something other than a super model.

Jules: Ha. He kind of is our generation’s Brando. Speaking of super models. Did you see Miranda Kerr’s dress at the Vanity Fair after party?

Me: Red satin? With the cutouts? She looked great but she looked like she had been fileted. And Gwen Stefani used what fell to the cutting room floor to assemble her dress.

Jules: What did you think of Jennifer Lawrence in Dior?

Me: I love Dior but that dress looked like the slip that Mary Todd Lincoln wore under her theater clothes. Charlize Theron in the deep V red Dior was stunning though.

Jules: There was a lot of black.

Me: Just not in the nominees.

Jules: Ouch. Not that we needed reminding. Chris Rock made sure of that.

Me: Yeah the only thing whiter than the crowd was Lady Gaga’s jumpsuit.

Jules: Ethnic diversity provided by Amy Poehler’s dress.

Me: Ha. And then there is Kerry Washington — who looked like she raided the Mad Max: Fury Road costume department. It was all one armed Charlize leather on top and virgin siren gauze on the bottom.

Jules: Explain to me Pharrell’s rolled up tux pants?

Me: I think he was protesting Adventures of Huckleberry Finn maybe?

Jules: Cate Blanchett in Armani — love or hate?

Me: I think she has impeccable taste but sometimes she errs on the side of the English rose. Charlotte Rampling’s Armani is my Armani.

Jules: Is it a thorn in your side? Ha!

Me: It’s not nearly as irritating as that mushroom hair cap on The Weeknd’s head. ‘Hey The! I think we found that missing E. It’s on your head.’

Jules: I was impressed with Sarah Silverman in Zac Posen.

Me: She’s come a long way from the sweatshirt era. Like the rest of the comedians who are now ‘actors.’

Jules: It is kind of a chicken or egg thing though isn’t it?

Me: It’s a little disturbing sometimes in both directions. Like seeing Meryl Streep in comedic roles. Then Kristen Wiig as the earnest NASA PR wonk in The Martian.

Jules: Speaking of Martians, did you see Jared Leto?

Me: Flamenco Gucci. I don’t care. He’s still hot.

Jules: I can’t even talk about Heidi Klum’s purple people eater.

Me: She was a walking, talking Summer’s Eve commercial. I also did not like Alicia Vikander in that yellow Louis Vuitton. She looked like something I hacked up in Mexico City once.

Jules: Ha. Whole lot of opinions there coming from someone who ‘didn’t watch the Oscars.’

Me: That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. At least it doesn’t involve child abuse or Martians.