All She Wrote: Sex and the suburbs

by Nicole Crews

Me: Hey did you hear the swirling rumor about another “Sex and the City” movie coming out?

Mother: Aren’t they too old?

Me: For sex? Or the city?

Mother: Both.

Me: Maybe they’ll move it to the suburbs and tone it down a bit.

Mother: Who would watch that?

Me: What about Brooklyn?

Sarah Jessica Parker’s recent Instagram alluding to a third installment of the movie franchise “Sex and the City” featured a photo of the actor exiting Bloomingdale’s (one of her character Carrie Bradshaw’s favorite retail therapists) with the cutline: “Well, I guess the cat’s out of the (little brown) bag. As usual, we will keep you posted on every detail as we are able. I’m under strict gag order until then.”

Well, any fan of “Sex and the City” knows that Carrie Bradshaw has no gag reflex and that while Carrie may have started her career as a Bloomie’s gal she quickly escalated to the harder and hauter stuff of Barneys and Bergdorfs.

So that got me to thinking. Have Carrie and Samantha and Charlotte and Miranda downsized? Have they hit that decade of female Manhattan invisibility — their fifties — and have they moved, egads, to Brooklyn? And, if so, where will they find any elbow room with Lena Dunham’s “Girls” bivouacked in the borough? Miranda already took the leap — kicking and screaming — in the last season of the television show when motherhood and wifedom enveloped her existence. But what would happen if the rest of the gang followed suit and came across their twentysomething counterparts from “Girls”? Would the universe implode or would it go something like this:

Miranda the Mentor

Miranda: Ugh. I have to get back to Brooklyn. I’m mentoring a new law student who wants to go into fashion law. I don’t even know what that is?

Carrie: I believe that’s the litigation faction of the fashion police. Yuk, yuk.

Miranda: Well, she sounds like a Valley Girl and I really don’t have time for this with Brady going off to college next year.

Carrie: Yikes. Well maybe she’ll end up being the daughter you never wanted.

Shoshanna: Oh my God Hannah I’m meeting my mentor today and she, totally, like has red short hair and is really smart and dresses well and is, like, going to be my new best friend. I mean, besides you, and Jessa and, like even Marnie. I really can’t tell yet if she likes me but, you know, I respect that because she’s hard to get where she is and I’m just this little Jewish chatterbox who can’t stop talking about the Laboutin case against YSL over the red shoe bottom.

Hannah: I still can’t believe you are going to law school. That’s so 1990. But I guess our generation needs a group of peers schooled in the law who represents our values and ideals. I’m not really sure what they are but they should probably be defended.

Shoshanna: I know, right??!! It’s like when Ray ran for that civic office whatever it was and he was standing up for his, like, rights and beliefs and stuff and he was really passionate about it. It was awesome.

Hannah: Ray isn’t exactly our generation but I see your point and it’s why I wanted to write. I want to capture the moments that define our lives so that we can learn from them and grow and become more evolved people.

Shoshanna: You mean like that time you did a lot of coke and wore a tube top?

Hannah: Exactly.

The Goldenblatt Gallery:

Marnie: I’m seriously considering getting back into art. Music will always be a passion but it’s just too competitive with my new husband. The Goldenblatt Gallery is opening in Brooklyn and I had an interview with Charlotte York Goldenblatt. I think she really got me. We both have long chestnut locks and dress like WASPs.

Hannah: I’ve always thought that you weren’t done with the art world. I mean, you can pass as a hippy folk singer and a docent. Most people can’t go both ways.

Jessa: Brooklyn is sooo boring. Old people are moving here now.

Shoshanna: I dunno. It’s kind of like we were Columbus and discovered it and now all of these other people are reaping the benefits of our land. Plus, I dunno. It kind of adds an air of like, grown-upery. I kind of think it’s awesome.

Jessa: Well I did meet this kind of marvelous old slut yesterday. She was giving a blowie to the guy at the coffee shop and didn’t give a damn who saw it. We ended up talking about Hannah and her abandoning her dreams and she actually had some really good insights.

Shoshanna: OMG that is soo crazy. I mean that’s where we drink our coffee.

Miranda: What are you doing in Brooklyn?

Samantha: I met this hot young barista and I’m going to help him launch his dream career as a celebrity lumberjack. Hell, I may even move to Brooklyn.

Miranda: What? And what exactly is a celebrity lumberjack?

Samantha: I don’t know exactly, but it has to do with wood so I’m all for it.

Carrie: Holy Crap my publisher wants me to write about Brooklyn. I am going to have to move there — and find an intern.

Samantha: Hmmmm. I think I may have the girl for you. She’s a 22-year-old writer who recently quit writing.

Carrie: Keep talking.