All She Wrote: The TCB girl’s guide to the modern male

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Nicole_Crews_01by Nicole Crews

Mother: How would you categorize the Viking?

Me: He defies category.

Mother: But you already categorized him as a Viking.

Boys will be boys they say but with each shift of the cultural tide new species of males emerge, usually on all fours, to complicate the already scary forest of post-apocalyptic romance.

The hipster landscape in particular has its own locavortex of Truffaut-readin’, vinegar drinkin’, kale crunchin’, Banksy lovin’ bespoke boys to contend with. From Shoreditch to Brooklyn, Portland to Cleveland, Marfa to Main Street, it’s a cold-pressed world out there ladies. Go with Godard.

1.
Lumbersexual (Scientific Name: Plaidius Sex)

A channeler of flannel, the Lumbersexual embraces the great outdoors largely through fashion. From his buffalo-plaid shirts to his suspenders all the way to his gravy-stained, gratuitous facial hair and biodiesel-stained boots, he looks like he could fell a redwood and craft a cabin out of it, but he’s more likely to order a craft beer.

2.
Heterotextual (Scientific Name: Gaybyday)

A flexitarian by nature, the Heterotextual poses as a homosexual friend most of the time. But let him get his drink on and you’ll start getting texts that would make Joan Rivers blush. While he may sound like a dreamcatcher to some, remember that the fingerstache and the fanny pack are a few of his favorite things.

3.
Occupyterian (Scientific Name: Stinky Tentius)

Political at heart, this justice seeker will risk his raw denim in the rain for a good cause — as long as there’s a food truck nearby or at least a tasty dumpster. This Don Juan Quixote is more in love with causes and himself than he ever will be with you, so take him in small batches.

4.
Tumblrsexual (Scientific Name: Bogus Blogus)

When you have sex with a Tumblrsexual be forewarned: He’s gonna write about it. Born to blog, this hashtag horndog comes with accessories. Sadly, they include mediocre metaphors, the Helvetica font and a messenger bag.

5.
Kickstarter (Scientific Name: Broko Panhandlius)

Entrepreneurially Etsy to the core, the Kickstarter will get you going with his ideas on sustainable meggings, single-origin coffee, Polaroid portraiture and custom cornhole. Unfortunate, what this low rent Lothario really needs is a loan.

6.
Tweesexual (Scientific Name: Stevius Maximus)

The nicest guy you’ll ever meet, the Tweesexual is the raw honey of the bunch. He’s the mlkshk of your morning, the cronut of your cravings and the umami of all the daddies. But he will make you listen to Belle and Sebastian. A lot.

7.
Normcorer (Scientific Name: Unisexual Contextual)

As unpretentious as the day is long, this blasé baller will rock your world by giving you an actual rock when he asks for your hand. An A-lister when it comes to average, the Normcorer takes a stand when it comes to bland. Plus he makes a really mean spaghetti.

8.
Taxidermater (Scientific Name: Mustachius Typewritius)

Forget foragers, this dog will hunt. This Letterpress lover will steampunk his way into your heart, write you love notes on his Royal, table his farm for your dinner and give you all the head you want — unfortunately they will be of deer and squirrel.

9.
YOLOterian (Scientific Name: Denali Denyilus)

A strong advocate of Bicycle Rights, the YOLOterian is an adrenalin junkie with a lot of toys — and hoodies. This Fixie upper sounds like the adventurer but he’s really a pop-up douchebag who likes to talk rather than do.

10.
Mehsexual (Scientific Name: Takitus O Leavitus)

This deep V-loving cousin of the Metrosexual is a mixtape of mixed messages with his shabby chic apartment, vinyl collection, love of pin-ups and lack of interest in sex. Usually a trust-fund scenester, the Mehsexual knows a lot of ’90s bands you’ve never heard of — usually for a very good reason.

  • Bolivar

    Why does Jordan Green get the byline up top and the pic below — it’s unfair to the actual writer, Nicole Crews. This appears on a lot of her columns. Jordan Green’s name, and/or Eric Ginsburg’s, shouldn’t be on her page. Thanks — and yeah, we miss her.