All She Wrote: Which North Carolina politician are you?

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by Nicole Crews

Me: Who are you voting for?

Mother: Obama.

Me: Um. I think that ship has sailed. I’m talking about the 6th District Congressional and US Senate race.

Mother: Oh. I thought you said, “Who did you vote for?” You need to learn to enunciate.

Me: So does Thom Tillis. I wonder if he’s related to Mel Tillis.

Mother: I do-do-do — do-doubt it. He’d be a lot more sympathetic if he were.

With the US Senate race between incumbent Democrat Kay Hagan and Republican challenger and state House Speaker Thom Tillis in its last laps and the fight for bi-partisanally beloved Howard Coble’s 6th District seat in Congress up for grabs, election week looks to prove challenging for some voters. With that in mind, I offer a simple quiz to figure out where your loyalties lie regarding the future of North Carolina.

1. What is your favorite color?

a) Red, like the color of my horns and my favorite party.

b) Blue, like my banker’s suits and my favorite party.

c) Orange, like the county where I live and the jumpsuit nostalgia from my days as a federal judge.

d) Gray, like my stance on the Violence Against Women Act.

2. What’s your favorite book?

a) All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum

b) All the King’s Men by Robert Penn Warren

c) A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

d) The Bible, by God

3. What’s your favorite classic rock song?

a) “Paranoid” — Black Sabbath

b) “Are You Experienced?” — Jimi Hendrix

c) “Carolina in my Mind” — James Taylor

d) “Comfortably Numb” — Pink Floyd

4. What’s your favorite TV show?

a) “White Collar”

b) “Modern Family”

c) Anything on UNC-TV

d) “American Idol”

5. What’s your favorite movie?

a) Apocalypse Now

b) Blackboard Jungle

c) Stand and Deliver

d) Back to the Future

6. What’s your favorite North Carolina food?

a) Pork — because Muslims don’t eat it.

b) I’m a fan of anything locally grown.

c) Vegetables — because they play a role in productive learning.

d) Pork — because it’s the other white meat.

7. What’s your favorite North Carolina spot?

a) The mountains — because it’s high ground.

b) Greensboro — because it’s home.

c) Orange County — because it’s in the middle.

d) The mountains — because it’s closer to God.

8. Would you rather attend a gay wedding or set your hair on fire?

a) Hair on fire

b) Gay wedding

c) Gay wedding

d) Are the gays Christian? And have they ever had an abortion?

9. Would you rather kiss an Ebola patient or offer equal pay for equal work?

a) How long have they been exposed to Ebola?

b) Equal pay

c) Equal pay

d) All work is equal in God’s eyes.

10. What’s your favorite season?

a) Fall — it’s election time!

b) Summer — because I don’t mind the heat.

c) Spring — because there’s hope for North Carolina.

d) Winter — because that’s when things freeze over.

If you answered A between 1-10 times, you are US Senate challenger and State House Speaker Thom Tillis, a Republican. If you answered B 1-10 you are incumbent Democrat Kay Hagan. If you answered C 1-10 you are Democratic Congressional District 6 candidate and counsel for the UNC system Laura Fjeld. If you answered D 1-10 you are Republican nominee for the seat and pastor Mark Walker.