It’s important to say right up front that I don’t believe in the lizard people.

That’s a conspiracy theory, by the way, adhered to by more than 12 million Americans, according to Public Policy Polling, who not only have confidence in the existence of extraterrestrial lizard people who live among us disguised as humans, but also that they rule our country.

And not just ours. The theory names several areas where the lizard people have infiltrated our planet’s history, including the Freemasons, the Illuminati and the British Royal Family. Mark Zuckerberg is probably one, so the theory goes, and Angelina Jolie almost definitely. Obama too. You can tell by their teeth, apparently.

Because they supposedly rule the US government, reptilians abound in American politics. Both George Bush and Al Gore are on the list — there’s a website, naturally — as is Joe Biden, Hilary Clinton, Joe Lieberman (tagged as “high ranking”), Dick Cheney, Colin Powell and probably a bunch of others, as the site looks like it hasn’t been updated since 2002.

Some of them are born this way; others “invited the control and bodily takeover of Reptilians through blood drinking and rituals,” according to the definitive site. And, apparently, all this lore checks out in the Dead Sea Scrolls, which I have not bothered to check out.

Because I don’t believe in the lizard people.

And yet….

It fits a narrative, does it not?

How else to explain our vast national sense of disenfranchisement, the callousness of people who have power towards those who do not, those weird, pointy teeth and cold, slimy smiles you see sometimes on TV? Mitch McConnell? Lizard man. Nancy Pelosi? She’s lizard, too. Rachel Maddow? Kelly Ripa? The entire morning crew at “Fox & Friends”? Lizard, lizard, lizard. And have you seen that photo of Trump, with his weird hair blown back and his peculiar orange face mask revealed? That’s lizard stuff.

And you can’t prove there aren’t lizard people, which is good enough for some. But not me. I don’t believe in the lizard people. Really, I don’t.

Really.

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