1. The “told-you-so”-ing of climate-change deniers
Imagine you’ve pulled into a gas station. As you fill up, an oversized man by an oversized car loudly befouls the wintry scene with willfully inaccurate conclusions. “You call this global warming?!” It appears the snowfall disproves bounties of scientific fact, and those who don’t fess up the falsehood of climate-change can put that in Frosty’s pipe and smoke it.
2. The political snowmen (and women)
I was happy to see a brainless scarecrow or an uncanny pumpkin-headed Trump likeness back on Halloween, before they all came to life and, apparently, voted. But now these all too real broom-bristle-haired abominations in red trucker hats are just freaking me out. (By the way, all the Brrr-nies and pantsuit-wasting Chillaries? C’mon, guys.)
3. The roll out
There are plenty of terrible things to run out of on snow days — coffee, alcohol, internet service or, god forbid, bread and milk — but nothing compares to toilet paper. The last roll’s empty just before noon. Nowhere to walk, no way to drive, no courage to ask your neighbors. By early afternoon there are no napkins in the apartment. Then last week’s Triad City Beat disappears. By sunset the first chapter of The Hobbit goes missing. You’ve showered three times.
At the coldest point on your pilgrimage for toilet paper, you see someone in shorts. No, he’s not taking his Alaskan Malamute for a run. He’s using an Amazon Prime box to scrap the snow off his Prius. There’s an open Yuengling on the hood. His shirtless roommate smokes a cigarette out of the apartment’s open window, his Yankees hat on backwards while his free hand shields his eyes from the winter sun. “guys call this cold?!” Yes, yes we do. Please go inside.
5. Your boss’s four-wheel drive
At 8:30 a.m., she’s out in your driveway, idling, as you slip and slide your way to her truck’s passenger door. Neither your erratic Civic nor the snowplow’s deposit at the entrance to the street could save you from going into work. Your delighted roommates, hot coffee in hand, cheer you on through the window.