Me: Hey did you read about how a lot of single New Yorkers are flocking to Craigslist to hook up during the snowstorm?
Mother: That sounds like a terrible idea. I don’t relish the idea of being snowed in with someone I like.
Me: Ha. Have you ever been on Craigslist?
Mother: That would be like Peter Ustinov moving into that biodome of under-30s in “Logan’s Run.”
Me: Wow. At least we know your cinematic memory is well intact.
It seems our sisters to the North have been prepping for winter the old-fashioned way — stockpiling wood. With an estimated two to three feet of snow anticipated in New York alone, it appears the personal ads for singles in the city are more concerned with inches. Blizzard Boyfriends are in high demand and Snowed-in Shorties aren’t far behind with guys seeking gals for “lazy days and romantic nights fuelled by red wine, chocolate and my famous chili” to quote one lockdown lothario.
I guess it’s high time those north of the Mason Dixon line figured out what we’ve known in the South all along — being holed up ain’t necessarily a bad thing. Little do our Yankee brethren know that it’s not that we are ill-equipped to handle big storms; we just don’t want to. We are happy to cancel school, stay home from work, lose the car keys and settle in for a long winter’s night or three. As long as we’ve got someone to check our dipsticks, there’s oil in the tank, a milk-and-bread buddy on hand or a benevolent bubba with a half a deer in the basement, we’re good. The difference between us and them is that we generally don’t invite strangers into our homes. The last time we did that it was the Civil War, and we all know how that turned out.
Me: Growing up in Minnesota on Lake Superior, what’s the worst storm you experienced?
Mother: They were all bad. Why do you think I moved South?
Me: I remember you telling me you ice-skated to school and I didn’t believe you. I thought it was one of those parental myths until I saw it for myself. Did you ever have a Blizzard Boyfriend?
Mother: All boyfriends are Blizzard Boyfriends in Minnesota.
So, as the cold cocks of the walk and slush sisters in New York City pull out their Patagonia panties and look to the internet for warmth and companionship, down home in North Carolina we singles are prepping for next week’s predicted onslaught our own way. Here are a few local tips on how to make it through the storm:
1. Declare yourself gluten and dairy free. This will save you ridiculous last-minute trips to the grocery store and spare you from the mommy milk-and-bread brigade.
2. Steal your boyfriend’s jeans — because skinny jeans and long underwear just don’t add up.
3. Break up with said boyfriend now. Once it snows he will beg for reconciliation and you’ll have the upper hand.
4. Cash in all of your holiday gift cards to Sephora and Barnes & Noble because there’s no better way to round out a snow day than an at-home beauty treatment and a good book. Besides, you may have some time on your hands if the breakup thing works against you.
5. Book a bikini/leg wax — because if the pipes freeze, you’re screwed.
6. Guys should stop shaving now. Nothing says cozy more than a big, burly beard.
7. Buy meat because it’s manly and she’ll be happy to do the cooking.
8. Buy wine because it’s thoughtful and there can never be enough wine during a winter storm.
9. Hone your wood-chopping skills because there’s nothing hotter than a man splitting wood. If you deliver it in a pickup, all the better.
10. Stockpile your plaids, your suspenders, your moleskin trousers, wool socks and boots because if you can’t chop wood or bring a recent kill to the table at least you’ll look the part.